Are Your Relationship Goals Controlling You?
“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”
Oprah Winfrey
It’s common for ambitious couples to be focused on the future and to have high expectations of themselves and each other.
We love that energy!
The problem occurs when those expectations become a condition for love.
If one partner holds an expectation above the head of their partner in exchange for their love or attention (e.g. “I will love you if you learn to love my parents”; “I will love you when you get your career in order.”) , it’s not about love, it’s about control.
If an individual holds themselves hostage to their own expectation, which can put a strain on their relationship without the partner even knowing (e.g. self-criticism), it’s not about self-love, it’s about punishment.
If a couple shares conditional expectations for loving themselves (e.g. “we’re only worthy of our own love if we/when we [insert whatever ideal you’re working towards]”), it’s not about growth, its about obsession and punishment.
These situations are meant to illustrate that relationships can become destabilized due to unhealthy conditions for love. What may have started off as a healthy, motivating and loving relationship goal has become a condition which can cause feelings of paralysis, blame, shame, anxiety, etc.
Left unchecked, these feelings can wreak havoc in any relationship (your relationship with yourself and with others).
Our fix for these situations calls for a dose of awareness, compassion and perspective by using practices that we all have available to us: gratitude, reflection, and celebration.
Gratitude, reflection, and celebration are helpful because they fortify our ability to ground ourselves, feel what’s really going on, and understand why. In turn, this allows us to choose more of what we want for our future selves and relationships.
This strategy has helped to tame our natural tendency to be future-obsessed and in moments we feel stuck in the past. In fact, David is naturally very future-oriented. In a healthy state, this tendency is super helpful for building momentum towards his goals and aspirations. If left unchecked, it could slip into control and keep him from feeling present and at peace.
Here’s an example from our relationship that we’ll be using to showcase:
We’ve been investing a lot of energy into building a relationship e-course through Relationship Zen. As you can imagine, this can take a LOT of work and future-planning on top of nurturing our lives and relationship (it’s all interconnected!).
We were supposed to launch part of this e-course for you by the end of last month, but we didn’t end up meeting that goal. We were a bit hard on ourselves and got stuck… Until we recognized that we were playing the blame and shame game.
Read on to learn how we took steps to remotivate ourselves and get back on track.
Step 1: Recognize and Acknowledge
To shift from the blame and shame mindset, Lindsey offered the idea of focusing back on all the things that had been accomplished so far (the little wins), despite not getting to launch the e-course. It’s about recognizing the emotions, the thoughts, and sensations related to your relationship goals. This tactic helped us switch from a fight, flight, freeze mode to a more open state. It allowed us to feel less stressed and less overwhelmed.
Step 2: Gratitude, Celebration and Reflection
One of the first things Lindsey noticed (thanks to her Happiness Project Journal — which we highly recommend you check out) is that we launched our Relationship Strategy Sessions exactly one year ago. This was something to remember and celebrate. We then listed how far we’ve come since then (many little wins and obstacles).
As our minds were beginning to spiral into self-judgment about not being able to launch our new services for you, we chose instead to review how far we’ve come in a year.
The point is that celebrating and being grateful for the stepping stones or past wins can be an important first step to regain perspective when expectations feel like they’re taking over in life and in relationships.
Step 3: Investigate and Release
Steps 1 and 2 are the beginning of change. To transform your expectations into productive ones, we recommend using self-investigation tools and techniques (coming soon!) to figure out why you have them and where they come from.
This is important to get to a place where you can become fully conscious of them and eventually release or replace them with beliefs that serve you better.
For now, we want to help you with steps 1 and 2!
Act Now
Here are some key questions to spark reflection, gratitude, and celebration:
What do you appreciate about yourself, your partner, and your relationship?
What’s one thing you appreciate about your partner that helps you grow as an individual and in your relationship each day?
What was something that was hard at the beginning or middle of your relationship that you feel is more natural now?
How did you overcome your last difficult situation together? What steps did you take?
What were all the obstacles you’ve overcome or all the wins that you’ve had personally and together to be where you are today?
Where do your expectations (for you and your relationship) come from?
If you have a relationship goal, is it enhancing your life or is it a source of pain?
We hope these questions help you to explore and see your attachment to a certain outcome/goal differently.
We hope you were able to generate some good vibes to help you step into the relationship you want to create through these steps and questions. If anything, it might have given you space to bring something new to light about yourself!
Connect for even more relationship advice for couples
Having relationship problems? Want to crush those relationship goals with less stress and more ease so you can achieve more, feel more and experience more as a team?
If so, join fellow relationship nerds on our mailing list (at the bottom of this page) so you don’t miss out on advice and exclusive offers.
We’re not two halves, we’re two wholes sharing a path and we’re inviting you to join the movement!
David and Lindsey
Your trusted conscious relationship coaches
P.S. If you loved this article, please share it with a friend who needs it. Your shares help inspire one thriving relationship at a time. Or, read on. Thank you!
