5 Steps to Overcome Conflict Avoidance in Your Relationship
Do you tend to avoid conflict with your partner at all costs? And does it tend to get worse or make you feel uneasy?
Full disclosure. David used to be that guy. At work, he was comfortable with conflict. At home, different story.
It’s better to (consciously) address conflict in your relationship
In the long run, avoiding topics of disagreement - or pretending like you're ‘cool with it’ when you're not actually feeling good about a situation - can create miscommunication, resentment and disappointment.
Instead, switch to more courageous communication. It's not easy, but you can do it with these helpful tactics.
Use these 5 steps to get unstuck and face conflict
Do it with conscious confidence:
Ask yourself WHAT are you actually avoiding. E.g. risk of losing them, risk of upsetting them, feeling guilty, etc.
Ask yourself WHY 5 times to get to the root cause. This will be an iterative self-awareness process.
Ask yourself what the COST of avoiding the conflict is. E.g. loss of (self) respect, resentment, unhappiness, etc.
Ask your yourself what you stand to GAIN if you step into courageous communication. E.g. peace of mind, more honesty, self-respect, clear boundaries, etc.
If appropriate and if it’s safe to do so, courageously COMMUNICATE your discovery to your partner. It can sound like this: "Hey, I want to share something that makes me feel vulnerable. Is this a good time to talk? Here it goes: I realized I avoid conflict because ____. I want you to know because I care about our relationship. How is this coming across to you?"
Tackle conflict as a team
A secure partner in a thriving relationship should aim to respond with empathy, not judgment.
Practice with lower stakes conversations, together
To work your way up to this form of courageous communication, introduce lower stakes courageous communication outside of difficult situations.
Good topics to practice with will encourage you to have a dialogue about something you’re actually invested in, rather than simply being passive and receiving one way communication. You can start by:
Making a few more decisions in your relationship: what to eat, how to spend free time, how to arrange or decorate a shared space, etc.
Introducing more emotional vocabulary in your conversations: ask how you’re feeling, share gratitudes, talk about conflict or emotionally sensitive issues occurring outside of your relationship, etc.
Having fun debates about topics of mutual interest: popular media, mutual friends or acquaintances, socio-economic issues and trends, etc. Keep it light to begin with. ;)
Tell us what worked for you
What went well, what was difficult and what got in the way? Share with us on social media so that we can support, troubleshoot and validate you on your journey to co-create the thriving relationship that you deserve. Sometimes we all just need a little nudging, coaching and feedback to step into our zone of awesome.
If you find this exercise challenging, definitely get in touch with us. It’s not your fault and you CAN change. We don’t really learn these mindsets and skills in school or at work. That’s why we’re here to support you with our blog, mailing list (below), 5 Day Challenge to Level-Up Communication in Your Relationship, and signature online course: The Thriving Relationship Academy.
We’re not two halves, we’re two wholes sharing a path and we’re inviting you to join the movement!
David and Lindsey
Your trusted conscious relationship coaches
P.S. If you loved this blog post, please share it with a friend who needs it. Your shares help inspire one thriving relationship at a time. Thank you!